 |
| It was time to go dirndl-shopping. Cause I'm in Austria. :D |
First off, a few of you reading this don't usually get my emails. I've added you to today's list, because I eel like including you in today's message Forewarning: If you haven't got time to read, save this for later, because my emails tend to be rather lengthy.
Right. Well, those of you who have been following my blog, emails, etc, may have picked up on the fact that I haven't been feeling too hot lately. I got really sick a few days before leaving Singen, and when I got to Linz, I started meeting with doctors to see if we could figure out what's going on. About two weeks ago, we found a small tumor on one of my parathyroid glands. It is completely benign, so there is no need for anyone to panic, but it is causing some problems with my health and general ability to function. In order to fix all these problems, I need to have it removed. This means that I will be returning home at the end of this transfer this Friday. This isn't the easiest thing to talk about - I was not expecting this at all and was fairly resistant to the idea at first - but I also feel that being open and positive about all this is going to be a good way to handle it.
Over the past several years, I've learned several times that just because I am doing something I want, and that something could even be really good, doesn't mean that's what I should be doing. Just because I'm in a good place doing good things doesn't mean there aren't other things I should be doing in another place. Basically, the Lord has a much better idea about my potential than I do,k and when things like this happen - things that would uproot my life a little and suddenly shift me to a completely different lifestyle - I can't stop it, but I can control how I handle it.
When things like this happen - unexpected trials or just hard times in general - we , as human beings, tend to ask the question "Why?" IO see nothing wrong with asking it. I ask it all the time. "Why am I here? Whey is this happening? Whey do I need to change my life path (again)?" It's how we learn. The trick is making sure your 'why's' are genuine. DO you really want to know why? Do you really just have no idea what is going on, and you'd like to know so that you can maybe possibly get through it a little aster with a little less pain? That's where I"m at wight now. I recognize that this is supposed to be a learning opportunity. But when the 'why's' start turning into 'why me's', that's when it gets bad. that's when the learning opportunity turns into wasted time. Harsh, sorry, but true. I've had a few chapters in my life where I've asked "why?" (haven't we all!) Some of those things were definitely more of a "why me" thing, and dang, those suck. Those will wreck your faith, fester sore feelings, and will only bring you misery. When you focus on the the fact that you're not happy, you are essentially letting Satan win a battle. Don't do that! Your 'why me' questions will quickly turn into "don't you realize' questions aimed at God. "Don't you realize I have hopes and dreams? Don't you realize how hard I've worked? Don't you realize that this hurts me?"
Now. Those last few questions are some I've been battling with. This hurts. This hurts really bad. I worked really hard to go on a mission. I changed my life, and after 8 short months, I'm going home. Sure, it's just medical release, and I could come back if everything works out and that's the Lord's plan, but I do not know if that's actually going to happen. This might be it. I hope its not, but I have to be open to the possibility, because if I deny it, the next few months could potentially be extremely difficult for me. I have shed tears of pain, sadness, and frustration these past few weeks, and I know more will come. IT has been very easy for me to get close to the line between "why" and "why me".
So, having been through a few of these chapters, having felt the pain and then seen the outcomes that come when we let God do His work, my response to 'don't you realize' questions would probably be something like this: "Don't YOU realize?? Don't YOU realize who you're talking to? Don't YOU realize that of course He realizes? Don't YOU realize that he has given you an amazing gift, the gift of the Atonement, which will help you have the strength and endurance to get through this, if you only ask Him for it? Don't you realize that you can be hurtful too?"
Those questions hurt. Stay away from them.
I realize I sound a little preachy right now, so I'm going to throw in some scriptures to try and pull it back away from my own opinions.
I mentioned a couple of emails ago that I've been reading the Book of Mormon and specifically searching for the principles of the Doctrine of Jesus Christ. In my reading this morning, I came across a few verses that stuck out to me. The first of the few are Jacob 7:3-5. Background: Jacob is an ancient prophet, preaching and prophesying of Christ. Sherem is essentially an Anti-Christ, teaching against Him. The verses read:
3: and he [Sherem] labored diligently that he might lead away the hearts of the people, insomuch that he did lead away many hearts; and he knowing that I Jacob, had faith in Christ who should come, he sought much opportunity that he might come unto me.
4. And he was learned, that he had a perfect knowledge of the language of the people; wherefore, he could use much flattery, and much power of speech, according to the power of the devil.
5. And he had hope to shake me from the faith, notwithstanding the many revelations and the many things which I had seen concerning these things or I truly had seen angels, and they had ministered unto me And also, I had heard the voice of the Lord speaking unto me in very word, from time to time, wherefore, I could not be shaken.
Verse 5 - look at that! Just the last sentence. The Lord spake unto him from "time to time", and so great was his faith that he could not be shaken.
The Lord often guides us from time to time For me, this is probably one of those times. The adversary that is against me isn't as obvious as Sherem, but it is there, an it is just as cunning. Thoughts of doubt, anger, feelings of uselessness and other ridiculous lies are some things I've had to fight against the last couple weeks. Lucky for me, I'm a fighter. Always have been, and always will be.
Later on, in the book of Enos (Jacob's son), Enos goes through a process of faith strengthening. Enos starts out in the the well-known story of spending a whole day in prayer, asking for a remission of his sins. Upon receiving forgiveness, he asks God how it is done. God replies, in verse 8 saying : "Because of they faith in Christ, whom thou has never before heard or seen. And many years shall pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh; wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole. " Upon hearing these words, Enos then decides to pray for the welfare of his people, who are suffering from war and other iniquities. The Lord responds, saying, in verse 10: "I will visit thy brethren according to their diligence in keeping my commandments. I have given unto them this land, and it is a holy land, and I curse it not save it be for the cause of iniquity; wherefore, I will visit thy brethren according as I have said and their transgressions will I bring down with sorrow upon their own heads. "
Now, that sounds really rough and harsh at first, but when you reread it and evaluate it, you realize that the Lord is assuring Enos that they, too, will be rightfully and fairly judged, just as he was. What gets me is verse 11:
"and after I, Enos, had heard these words, my faith began to be unshaken i the Lord."
This phrase "unshaken" - I like it. I also like how it's a process, and that the process is explained so well. You don't just become unshaken because that's what you want. You have to go through the things that build you to become unshaken. Granted, it is also a choice to be unshaken. We can choose how we react to life events that are scary and hard and whatever, but having a strong, faith-based testimony is going to make that a whole lot easier. I've been blessed with life events (chapters, as I've called them) that have helped me be unshaken. This whole "I'm going home because I have a tumor and I need it surgically removed" thing could have really shaken me up if I let it. Instead, I'm choosing to be unshaken.
So that's my challenge to all of you. When difficult times arise, make the decision to be unshaken. And to help you in that, be active now. Build up your defenses, keep your faith strong, so that when times like this come (because they will and they're unavoidable), you won't be knocked off your feet. Unshakable is a good thing to be.
I love you all. Thanks
for putting up with my crazy long emails or 8 months. I'll keep updating the blog as things happen, and I'll keep in touch with all you missionaries :)
Have a wonderful week!
Love, Sister Sally Priest
No comments:
Post a Comment