Hello all. As the title adequately states, there is indeed a stigma that surrounds those missionaries who are honorably released earlier than most due to medical reasons, and I, being the strong-willed, strong-headed and loud-mouthed person I am, am here to destroy it.
Everyone who has any knowledge of the Mormon church knows something about missionaries. Growing up in the church, children often look up to the missionaries serving in their ward and are encouraged to serve a mission once they are old enough. Missions are such a huge part of the Mormon Culture, that when someone breaks the status quo by coming home from a mission earlier than expected, people tend to freak out *insert flashback to High School Musical cafeteria scene*. BUT WAIT. We, as followers of Jesus Christ, are supposed to be Christlike and non judgmental! SO, instead of talking to the missionary who came home sooner than we all expected, we keep all our probing thoughts and assumptions to ourselves, or, really, anybody other than the returned missionary, all while simultaneously offering words of advice and stories to the returned missionary without invitation.
Do you see the problem with that? You should, because there's actually more than one, and you're very much correct if you think I'm about to list them.
1. Assumptions
We automatically, as humans-- as curious and caring humans-- try to categorize the returned missionary based off of what type of illness sent them home. We make assumptions based on our knowledge of the return missionary Was is physical? Emotional? Spiritual? Mental? The answer: None of your business, actually. That information, unless shared by the return missionary, is meant to stay between the missionary, their immediate church leaders (mission president, stake president, bishop), and God.
The problem is that, unless it is an obvious physical injury, we all tend to assume that the problem is a mental illness. We all judge a bit, unintentionally and intentionally. We all try to categorize the return missionary. And not only is that inaccurate, it's also not fair.
2. Discussion
I really shouldn't have to explain this one much at all. If the returned missionary has either not told you personally or has not made a public post of some sort about their reasons for being released before expected, you have no right at all to discuss your most-likely inaccurate assumptions with other people behind the return missionaries back. It's that simple.
3. Butting in.
When someone we know has something upsetting happen to them, we automatically reach out in support and love. There's nothing wrong with that. What could potentially be wrong is the assumption (there's that word again, do you see a pattern?) that they want words of kindness and well wishes that come through the very empty, noncommittal, and emotionless portal that is Facebook.
Now, I'm not saying that all messages sent through Facebook have empty intentions. I definitely had some very sincere people reach out to me through Facebook, and I appreciate those people greatly. What's unfortunate is the number of people who sent me messages that clearly implied they neither expected nor wanted a reply. They were very generic messages that included things like "let me know if there's anything I can do" which, when you break down, can be interpreted as "I have nothing to offer you." And that hurts. That makes the returned missionary feel like they are just a statistic, they are a name to be crossed off on someone's "I did a nice thing today" list.
Summation and Solutions
We judge return missionaries. We assume, we discuss our assumptions with others, and then we butt into the return missionaries life. WHY DO WE DO THAT? Do we realize how unfair that is? As humans, we have a tendency to stick our noses in other peoples business. We tend to use other peoples illnesses as a way to let ourselves show pity and compassion, which then causes us to feel good about ourselves. We center things around ourselves. Can you see how that could be hurtful?
So what DO we do?
1. Assume the Best.
We make assumptions. That's okay; however, if the return missionary hasn't said anything about their return, and you just have to assume something, assume the best. Look for the good in the missionary coming home. Look for their strengths. Be kind.
2. Mind your own business
I know, I know, that sounds so mean, but it's true. Don't gossip. Chances are, the return missionary already feels really out of place and uncomfortable. They do not need people gossiping about them. If someone asks you about the return missionary, make an encouraging response and change the subject. Typical gossip avoidance techniques.
3. Make Actions that Speak Louder than Words
Nice words and kind thoughts are always appreciated, but if you want to offer help, offer it properly. Don't leave the action up to the return missionary. Ask them direct questions, such as "What can I do to help?" and then go along with the missionaries request.
But can I tell you a secret? What they really want is honest, selfless friendship. They don't want pity. If the two of you aren't the best of friends, chances are, they don't want to tell you how they're feeling or what they're thinking. They just want to feel normal. So, if you want to help, you should treat them like a normal person. Their lives have just been uprooted. The path they thought they were meant to take is suddenly taking turns they never expected. They don't need someone to tell them which way to go, they don't need someone trying to pick at their brains. They, I, WE, need someone who will accept us as we are and will be a genuine friend. If you want to help, then be that person.
I am a medical release missionary. I served a full-time mission in the Alpine German-Speaking mission for 8 months. My mission stopped because a tumor was found on one of my parathyroid glands, and surgery is needed in order to prevent further health issues, such as kidney stones, gall stones, bone loss, bone breakage, and several other eventual unpleasantries. This illness isn't something you can see. I didn't blow out my knee, I didn't break a bone, I didn't develop some injury or illness that is obviously seen. For the purpose of making a point, this tumor is so small, we've only been able to find it once on an ultrasound. Since coming home, I have seen one too many people be surprised that I didn't come home from a mental illness. One too many people have taken prior knowledge of me and created a false assumption. That's not fair.
I did not come home because of a mental illness.
But I almost did.
Early on in my mission, I struggled with anxiety. I hadn't struggled with anxiety for a long time, so I hadn't expected it to cause problems. But it did. In the MTC, it came out of nowhere. I didn't know how to handle it. I felt like I was being looked at and treated like an alien. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt constantly judged and became very angry because of it. Honestly, it wasn't until I had been a missionary for 3 months and was starting with my 4th companion in a new area that I started to feel normal. My first night in Singen, my companion had an emotional breakdown right in front of me. Embarrassed, she gave herself a time out and tried to pull herself together. What she didn't know is that, by breaking down herself, she showed me that it is okay to cry. She showed me that it is okay to have moments of emotional weakness and let yourself have a breakdown. I had been told by my previous companions that I had a problem. I had been told by the mission psychologist and the mission president that I needed to keep the idea of going home and getting this sorted in my mind in case I didn't improve. She showed me that I wasn't abnormal. She showed me that I could improve.
And I did.
Starting that transfer, I shot upwards like a rocket. My German improved dramatically. My work ethic shot sky high. I was having the best scripture studies of my life, because I finally had someone who treated me like a normal person.
All that being said, when someone is struggling in any way, do you think you can find the common denominator for improvement?
The answer is being treated like a normal person. The answer is being a friend. The answer is not judging, making assumptions, discussion said assumptions, or forcing your way into their lives. It is being a friend. Ask what you can do, then do it. Wait for the return missionary to open up to you on their own time, and if they never open up to you, don't take it personally.
Be a friend. Be loving. Be Christlike.
I was told not to be ashamed of my release. I'm not. If you're reading this as someone who came home early from a mission, do not be ashamed. You are not alone. You never were, and you never will be.
You are loved.
Thanks for reading.
-Sally
